A true story. I’m standing in a friend’s home and their
two year-old is asking for something that the father
would not give him.
Child: I want it.
Father: No
Child (louder) I want
it.
Father: No
Child (even louder) I
want it.
Father: No
Child (screaming) I
want it!
Father: Okay, just
stop screaming.
This is a case of the parent teaching the child that
when they behave badly they get what they want in life.
And that is the exact opposite of reality. In real life,
outside of the unrealistic world you might create as a
parent, when that child behaves poorly, that child will
not be well liked by others. That child will have a hard
time making great friends. That child will not get along
with teachers. And when that child becomes an adult,
they will not be promoted and advanced by superiors and
they will always suffer in their relationships. Letting
a child always have their way creates an adult who is
selfish, emotionally imbalanced and unrealistic in their
expectations.
Tough Love. This is what they call tough love. Though
you hate to hear your child cry when you put them in
their room for punishment, you have to love your child
enough to properly motivate them to be well adjusted.
You’ll be amazed at how fast they adapt. Children are
the most adaptable anomalies on the planet.
I remember the pediatrician teaching us how to get our
child to sleep through the night (this to be done after
the child is 12 months old and not before). She said:
"Let her cry. If you go in every time she cries, she
will never learn to sleep through the night." In two
nights, our 13 month-old daughter was trained and slept
through the night every night since (she’s 14 now). I
had to practically handcuff my wife from running right
in there, but even she was grateful when she saw how
well it worked and how much happier everyone was when
our child now slept through the night.
Our son was more resistant and determined. He took four
nights. Four nights of holding yourself back so the
child (and you) can have a lifetime of soundly sleeping
through the night.
The Rule of ONE
The rule is that you never say "no" more than once
without immediately reinforcing that you "say what you
mean and you mean what you say." You have to care enough
about your children to intentionally and deliberately
train them that it does not pay to sulk, brood, pout,
scream or cry unnecessarily. All those behaviors will be
treated with a swift carry-off to bed, where they will
stay until they become pleasant. A few minutes will be
sufficient in most cases, unless you’ve never
disciplined the child. If this is new to the child and
they’ve always gotten their way from you, they might
scream their heads off the first time you do this. Take
the screaming as a warning of worse things to come if
you don’t now become twice as strict until they learn.
The Rule of one says that it’s one warning and then
RIGHT to bed. NEVER is there any wavering on your part.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Predictable
behavior on your part creates a far more well-adjusted
child. If sometimes your strict and other times your
not, the child does not know where they stand. You owe
it to your child for things to be clear to them.
This approach has created two extremely well-adjusted
children who adapt to every situation with remarkable
good nature. And the punishment phase was remarkably
brief. Maybe a week when they were 13 months and then
another week when they hit the terrible two’s. Then a
weekend of no phone when they get to be 12. Minor
discipline for a lifetime of well adjusted children.
The Amazing Realization. You do this for a week and
quickly you’ll see that even the threat of bed is enough
to quickly curtail all unpleasant behavior. Then one
day, the child will suddenly become extremely well
adjusted and adapt whenever you say no.
Child: Can I have some
candy?
Parent: Not now,
honey.
Child: Okay.
End of scene. Compare this against our opening scene and
you have a very different world to live in. You’ll see
it happen very quickly and you’ll be delighted. You’ll
know it’s the way it should be because all the drama
goes away very quickly.
Am I cramping their style?
Self-esteem makes an accomplished child, not spoiled
behavior. Some parents feel that any discipline at all
to a child is "cramping their natural behavior." Their
"natural behavior" is up to how you teach them to be. So
give the child everything they want when they scream for
it, and then YOU are the one creating behavior, not
"nature." You are the parent. It is your job to make the
proper decisions. Leaving a two year-old to make their
own decisions about how they should be raised is a
recipe for creating an adult who will be forever
unhappy.
Self esteem is built by adoring your child, encouraging
all their positive behaviors and believing in them no
matter what. But that’s another article.
About the Author
Chet Holmes has been named one of the top 20 motivation
experts in the country. He has had more than 50 Fortune
500 clients as a trainer, strategic positioning expert
and change expert. He has been published in more than 50
different magazines, newspapers and trade journals. But
here are his best qualifications for writing this
article: He has raised two wonderful children who are at
the height of popularity in their school (7th and 8th
grade as of this writing). Both get straight A’s in all
their subjects. Both play musical instruments. Both are
accomplished competition-level gymnasts. Both have
wonderful personalities, a great sense of humor and a
wonderful wit. But most important of all, both are
happy, well-adjusted people on their way to adulthood
with all the tools and skills necessary to build great
lives for themselves.
Everything for
Kids
